How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
