Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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