all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
