So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
