Whod you bang
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
