if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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