Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
