Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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