I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
