Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
