I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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