its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize