I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
