I just cut my nipple shaving
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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