Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
vagina is talking i cant
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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