Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
