Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
