last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
