i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
