Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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