At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
