Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
