were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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