I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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