i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
