My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i now understand why vodka
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
