I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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