she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
