the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
