i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
