shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it's like heaven, but drunker
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
