So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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