I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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