Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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