Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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