happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
