Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
