I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
