Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
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