Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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