O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
