Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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