bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
