I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize