I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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