i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
