It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
