his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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