Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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