Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
