so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just forgot I was standing up.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
