dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
