how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
