Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Randomize
