So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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