I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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