I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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