I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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