I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
