I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just gargled with NyQuil
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
