First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
