you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
