My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
