The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
