You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
