I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
