I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
