it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize