Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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