woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
