sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
