You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
